Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Iams Dog Food
for my loyal pet, Remy, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, a fuckin' goat? I told her no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the "Iams Diet" again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because
I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Iams nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so
it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here
that practically everyone in line was now listening to my story.)
Shocked, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard i expected him to pee his pants. Long story short, Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
* Originally a version of this story appeared on CL, but I thought it was funny enough to re-post to my blog